This is how I can describe these past almost three years, but more precisely these past 6 months. There have been ups and downs, twists and turns. Sometimes I know my Father is there, other times I panic wondering if he has really got this under control. I have squeezed free of the safety of His arm, trusting myself more than him, just to fly into a complete panic and seek refuge again. I have found that under His strong arm is scary, but I can hide, knowing I cannot be harmed, but outside of that protection is terrifying. Outside of His grasp is utter chaos, mortal danger, certain death. I am a stubborn child; He is a patient Father. I escape, He waits. I seek refuge, He embraces me once again, holding me tighter than before.
A few months ago I was certain our life was about to come crashing down. I just knew Dominic's time was up. I was in a state of panic, mistrust, and utter agony. Dreadful mourning. Mike told me not to presume God's will- I responded no presumption was present- I just knew, this was it. I didn't write because I was too vulnerable; cut open, bleeding. I didn't want to hear everything was going to be okay, because it wasn't. It just wasn't. Finally I came to peace and waited. But nothing happened. Why? Why did he wake up every morning? Why did he come through surgery okay? Why did the surgeon say everything was great? This isn't the plan! I am ready now- if you're going to take him, then DO IT! Nothing. Stillness. I fly into a mistrust- a sort of crisis. I thought I knew God's plan. I was ready, I begged, He didn't listen. Where was He? Didn't He care?
Once I prayed for peace and my heart was quieted, I heard Him, a whisper in my soul. He had been there the whole time. Trust. Trust is what he asked from me. Complete abandon. Just like when I was little. The roller coaster would start the fast descent and all my panic would vanish. It was just my dad and me. I held on to his big, strong arm with all my might, a smile across my face knowing everything was going to be okay- my dad had me, nothing could hurt me. I may have been shaking from the fear of the unknown but I knew I was safe. He had me. No matter what may come around the next bend, my dad protected me and I knew it.
God is like this. We are like little children being held in to that roller coaster. He does not let us see what's coming after the next hill. He doesn't say we'll have easy lives with no hardship or sickness. He doesn't say terrible, awful things won't happen to us. He says "Trust Me. I'm enough." All we have to do is hang on, knowing whatever may come He is there... and He won't let us fall. He holds us tight, like my dad did. If we remain in Him, trust in Him whatever may come, He will never fail us. Though I tremble in fear, peace surrounds my soul knowing I belong to Him alone. I am His daughter and that makes me immovable. Even the gates of Hell can not overcome me if I hide behind his great, immovable arm. When the awful time does come when Heaven rejoices over their newest saint, I will no doubt be crushed. But I will remain safe under the protection of my Good God. I will look up to Him and He will say to me "Trust Me, I've got this." And God willing, I will.
I thank my dad with all that I am for teaching me how to trust my Heavenly Father. The father's job on earth is to show his children some of the truth of our Father in Heaven. He has made it natural for me- I learned to trust my dad which makes trusting God that much easier. Thanks for holding onto me tight. You never failed me.
Your Dega Bear Hunter
|A boy and his dad|